And how to do it
You know respite is important for your well being. You’ve probably seen the research that shows respite can improve physical and mental health for both the caregiver and receiver. You know it’s not unusual for moms, especially special needs moms, to experience serious burnout. In your head, you may even have the idea that in order to prioritize others, you’ve got to prioritize yourself.
It’s just… it isn’t practical. When could you possibly do something for yourself when your kids won’t even let you poop in peace?!? I don’t even have time to eat dinner at home… no less go out for it! Besides, who will watch the kids, how will I pay for it…
You’re right… and totally wrong. Your family DOES need you. They need you to leave. Here’s why:
1. Your partner will understand you… at least a little bit better…
I am blessed to have a very supportive husband who interacts with his kids and makes his family a priority. He does his best to understand and support me, but his world is so different from mine.
I left late afternoon on Friday and came home late afternoon Sunday. My husband didn’t get dinner on Saturday and hadn’t bathed all weekend. I was really grateful to return to find him hungry and dirty. He’s constantly nagging me to make time for myself: to set the kids needs aside for a moment and make time to eat; to lock the door and take a shower. It’s not that I don’t value these things, but sometimes it just isn’t possible. Obviously, he discovered some of this for himself.
2. You’ll be a better mom
I’m sure you’re already killing it. You probably don’t stay in the bathroom longer than necessary as an avoidance tactic. You probably don’t have to think about your facial responses and if you’re conveying the messages you mean to. You probably don’t get sucked into thinking that you’re drowning and you’re on your own, or that your life might actually be harder than anyone else’s. Ever. I’m sure you haven’t lost your identity in becoming a special needs mom. You’re probably great at making time to do the things that matter to you and make you feel human.
…
BUT
If you want to be even better at any of these things, allow yourself a chance to reset.
3. Your kids will learn how to take care of themselves
No, not because you’re leaving them to fend for themselves! What I mean is that your kids learn their self-value from you. When you lead by example and take care of yourself, they learn that it’s ok for them to do this, too. This is huge for me, and the main reason I plan to get away again soon. Imagine how different the world could look if people knew it was ok to stand up for themselves. Think about how much healthier our society could be if we weren’t ashamed to ask for help. Lead by example. It’s not admitting weakness, it’s doing what you need to stay strong.
How to Get Away
Blah, blah, blah… That’s all peachy keen, but have you met my family? Just how do you expect me to find the time, money, and childcare to make this happen? Ok, let me break this down for you.
Step #1
Check out A Mother’s Rest. These are seriously discounted bed and Breakfasts across the nation that offer retreats for special needs parents. The one in Maryland is totally free. Click on “Find a Retreat” and pick a place/date that could potentially work for you. It’s probably already booked full, but that’s ok.
Step #2
Join the “A Mother’s Rest” Facebook group. This serves two purposes. First, the retreats have last minute openings all the time, as in, almost every weekend, and this is where those are posted. Second, this is an amazing support group of extra needs moms. I’m in plenty of Facebook support groups… but this one is actually supportive. Crazy, I know. I learn from these strangers, am encouraged by them, and can relate to them without having to say a thing.
Step #3
Admittedly, childcare is the hardest piece of this puzzle. If you’re blessed with a supportive partner, just tell them when you’re going. Honestly, this is so good for both of you. He/she gets a new and improved version of you upon your return, and he/she will also develop a better understanding and appreciation of all you do! This is kind of huge.
If that’s not an option, and your kids are too complex for a regular old babysitter, talk to your doctor about respite. He can write a script for a qualified nurse to care for your child for a specified time. If you prefer, you can have grandma stay at your house while the nurse takes care of medical needs. I’ll be honest and admit that I’ve gotten a lot of push-back on this one. While most states offer the help and will cover it, no one seems to want to help you get it. Kids Health has an easy to navigate resource for finding respite near you. If those options are daunting, google “Special needs respite near me.” There are organizations in most states that are eager to help.
You can also start small by finding a Buddy Break near you. They’ll watch your kids (all of them – special needs and siblings) for two hours so you can go on a date… or go grocery shopping without a meltdown… or whatever.
Step #4
Put the pedal to the metal. I’m not kidding. Once the kids are in good hands, get out. When I left the house for the first time without kids, I almost turned around repeatedly – mom guilt is real. Just remind yourself you’re doing this for them. If that doesn’t work, remind yourself that you’re about to sleep through the night… that did it for me. You won’t regret it.
If you’re still not convinced, check out the fb group for stories from moms who have been impacted by rest. If you’d rather not scroll, here’s a blog post that focuses on a retreat.